Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Randomize
