I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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