That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Randomize
