I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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