I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Randomize
