I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
