thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
