Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
