the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
