My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
