he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
