I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
