I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
