my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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