We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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