My friends, they love my intelligence
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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