Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
