i love accidental penises.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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