apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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