"it" just moved
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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