just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
