What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize