I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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