i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Randomize
