You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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