You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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