Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
