No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
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