Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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