he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
