maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
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