i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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