I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
