can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
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