the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
