Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
