Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
How long until YT realizes that it's a man?
I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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