Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
