I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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