Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Houston, we have a blender
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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