Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
