happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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