Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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