The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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