Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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