If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
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