fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
