Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
