True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
