also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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