Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
