Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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